HAIR PULLING WITH A SIDE OF TURKEY...MMMM DELICIOUS!
Tom the Turkey is lurking right around the corner! And do you know what that means? That's right, it's almost time for families across this great nation to come together for an enormous feast, kegs of beer, and to insult and annoy each other until someone files for a divorce.
Let's face it...we all love our families. But at Thanksgiving time especially, the crazy in all of us becomes unleashed. We realize that it can be stressful sitting next to an uncle you didn't even know existed until that day. Or to that slightly off neighbor from next door with the scary scar who used to threaten your life for cutting across his lawn when you were little (but you're mom thinks he's sweet). Or to your guilt tripping grandma who spends the entire meal complaining about her sciatica while telling you not to worry, because she'll be dead soon. So as you sit down at the table this year, ready to break bread with your family by hitting one of them in the face with a loaf...here are some quality survival tips to help keep you sane throughout the Thanksgiving holiday.
Drink A LOT! We realize that drinking does not solve family problems...but it sure as heck makes you care a ton less about them. Do you want to know what makes your moms complaining tolerable? Scotch. Do you want to know what makes the never ending comments about you not having a job hysterical? Whiskey. Do you want to know why you haven't noticed that your grandfather isn't wearing pants? Tequila. Besides, when was the last time you ever heard about a peace treaty being signed over a nice cold glass of milk? Never. So drink on.
Wear Earplugs. These handy devices are available at every grocery store and pharmacy in the United States. CVS, Walgreen's, Rite Aid, you name it - they're there. For about $1.99 you can block out virtually all family annoyances. Your aunts crying, your dads snoring, your uncles racism...just about everything can be blocked out like it's not even happening.
Take Up Hunting. We are not suggesting that everyone go out and grab a gun and shoot an animal. We are simply suggesting that everyone just go out and grab a gun. Not the bullets...only the gun. This is all about intimidation. Do you want to know why your jackass cousin isn't reminiscing about you being called "Fatty McFatty Pants" in the 6th grade? It's because you're dressed in eye black and camouflage with a power rifle strapped to your back. He doesn't need to know that it's not loaded. Simply sit at the dinner table and clean your Glock...jerk face Jeffery will stand down. Trust us.
Set Yourself on Fire. Spending 12 hours cooking a meal for a family that you've tried your whole life to get away from is just a ridiculous thought. And if you think the thought of all of this is way worse than being woken up at 7am on a Sunday by a Jehovah's Witness...then it's clear. There is nothing else you can do. Sometimes setting yourself on fire is the only excuse available for not making it to Thanksgiving dinner.
Lace the Green Bean Casserole. Sometimes even with alcohol, earplugs, fire, and a gun you just can't make everyone stop talking about why you're still single, living in a studio apartment, and wearing a backpack when you haven't been a student in 12 years. For these moments, it might be easier to let everyone at the table have a little nap before dessert. We are not condoning drug use here...we are simply offering up a different casserole topping other than those weird onion rings out of a can that your Aunt Betty always puts on the vegetables. Seriously...what are those things?
Carve the Turkey. Helping out at Thanksgiving sucks. There is no fun in doing the dinner dishes or mashing 27 pounds of potatoes. None at all. However, if you must help with something, (because your mom is screaming "why don't you love me" and your dad is yelling "how did I get such a lazy shit for a kid"), then step up and carve the turkey. Everyone loves the turkey carver. All the crazies at the table hold their plates out in eager anticipation with drool pouring down their chins, waiting for you to put a piece of dead bird on their plate. For one brief moment...you are at the top of the Thanksgiving food chain. And you get to hold a knife. That helps to keep everyone in check.
Induce a Tryptophan Coma. Science has completely debunked the theory that it is the turkey at Thanksgiving that makes everyone pass out...rather pointing the blame on the fact that we all smash our faces into ginormous plates of food and drink more alcohol than Kid Rock. However, every year your Great Aunt Fran announces loudly that it's clearly the chemicals in the turkey that are to blame for all of the yawning. Use this to your advantage. Pile the turkey high like Everest on your plate and make sure your Aunt Fran is within view. Then go pass out. Frannie won't let anyone bother you. She's knows that sleeping for hours is the only cure.
Complain About Your Gas & Bloating Problems. Plain and straight...Thanksgiving is a really long day. Out of the 14 hours that you've committed to spending with your crackhead family, you will spend 13 of them looking for places to escape. If you can't seem to get your little snot-filled cousins to stop using you as a personal playground or if you can't get your grandmother to stop pinching your waist while referring to you as "healthy"...tell them you are experiencing a wicked case of gas and bloating. This declaration will give you all of the space and privacy you need. Best part? You can lock yourself in the bathroom for 3 hours and watch the game on your phone. No one wants to go in to the bathroom that you're busy "blowing up".
Pretend You're Asleep. This is a basic go-to maneuver. Childish, yes. But it does have a 75% success rate in making people go away. We have already covered the Tryptophan coma excuse...however, this tactic is a pre-dinner strategy. Simply put, you know someone in your family is going to make you want to serve up your fist rather than a piece of pumpkin pie within 16.3 seconds of walking through the front door. Instead of swinging...quickly move to the couch and play dead.
Fake Ebola. This can be your last ditch effort or your first, depending on how awful your family is. If you wish you were a mango every time you hear your father say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?" with stuffing in his mouth...then it might be time for some Ebola symptoms to emerge. Start with the fever and move on from there. An Ebola infection will not only get your parents to stop bitching about the neighbors dog barking...it will get you a free pass right out of Thanksgiving all together. And honestly, sometimes we all could really use a good 21 day quarantine.