Ahhhhhh...Thanksgiving. What a great holiday. How awesome is it that we center an entire day around stuffing our faces, binge drinking, and watching 8 hours of football? Throw a little nap and a good quality family fight into the mix and you have yourself one stellar celebration. So, if Thanksgiving is so awesome, then why are yule logs being jammed down our throats and crammed up our asses before we even get to enjoy our one day of pure gluttony?
Sure, Christmas is a fantastic holiday as well. But...it comes after Thanksgiving (some of you may not be aware of how the calendar works). So for those of you out there who would rather smell pine needles instead of turkey, drink eggnog instead of whiskey, and who would rather kiss under the mistletoe instead of punching your brother in the face...here are a few fun Thanksgiving quotes to help you find your true "holiday" spirit.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” ~ John Stewart
"When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog." ~ David Letterman
"Just think...if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey...we would all be having a nice piece of ass for Thanksgiving." ~ Anonymous
"It's almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs." ~ Jen Kirkman
"This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate." ~ Andre Kelley
"I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable." ~ Todd Barry
"If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'" ~ Jack Handey
"My mom has a little nickname for [when I came out]. She calls it 'the Thanksgiving that Stephanie ruined.'" ~ Stephanie Howard
"Thanksgiving is the perfect mix of cultural harmony and incoherently racist grandparents." ~ Anonymous
"Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying that magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dinning room to sit in her car." ~ Stephen Colbert