As if going broke buying trucks full of Christmas presents for your family isn't annoying enough...you also are forced to buy gifts for the complete assholes in your life too! The last person in the world you want to spend time and money on during the holidays is that douche bag co-worker you share a cubicle with, who you know is "secretly" gunning for your job. Or your brothers bitch face girlfriend, who you are pretty sure is the anti-Christ. Or your dickhead cousin, who told your mom about you being kicked out of college before you were ready to come clean. Each year, we all have somebody in our circle that we'd rather punch than to buy a lovely holiday gift for. The good news is, there are plenty of inexpensive gifts out there that will satisfy this problem. There are only a few more days left until a morbidly obese old man falls down your chimney...so read up and get shopping!
Fruitcake. It's pretty much a proven fact that nobody in the world likes fruitcake. It's a dense loaf of disgusting coated in nuts with pretend fruit and make-believe sugar. The only good thing about this bakery failure, is that it is a completely acceptable holiday gift, especially to those people you can't stand. There is pleasure to be had in knowing that your gift made your enemy gag.
Smooth Away Hair Remover. Though practical and useful for most, this little gem has the ability to permanently set the paranoia switch to ON. Once your brothers blood sucking girlfriend opens it, make sure you give a silent, yet firm head nod. This will have the biotch investigating her nose hair, chin, and girl-stache in the bathroom mirror for months.
Shake Weight. Nobody is truly sure if this product improves your muscle tone or not. The only thing that is clear? Whoever uses it is guaranteed to look like a sloppy drunken prom date for the 6 minutes a day the workout calls for. Is there really any better way to make your sisters new asshole husband look like an acne ridden horny teenager that your dad wants to shoot out in the backyard? No, there isn't.
Perfect Bacon Bowl. Without a doubt, this item turns boring everyday cereal bowls into delicious pots of heaven. However, this tasty serving dish also comes at a price, usually paid for in higher insurance premiums. If you're looking to give your jerk face boss some serious health issues in 2015...then this is the perfect gift for you to put a bow on. Clogged arteries and high cholesterol are the gifts that keep on giving the whole year through.
Slim 'N Lift for Men. Nothing says "Merry Christmas Fatty" better than a male girdle. Really humiliate the personality freak in your life by silently telling them that looking at their man boobs and belly keg are annoying the hell out of you. Side Note: If you gave your boss the Perfect Bacon Bowl last year, this wife-beater clothing nightmare is a must give.
30 Minute Abs. Keeping with the same "your mama's so fat" theme...the 30 Minute Abs workout video is also a great way to let that "special" someone know that they still have some body shaping to improve on. This passive/aggressive DVD will lightly inform your shithead cousin that the shorter versions of 6 and 5 Minute Abs are not going to work for them. They clearly need the full 30.
Bluetooth Headset. If you are enjoying hating on your enemy and want to add another yule log onto the "reasons why you can't stand them" fire - a Bluetooth headset is the staple gift to give. This little gadget will not only give you something else to laugh at for months on end, but it also gives you a free chance at a bitch slap without receiving an assault charge. The only problem with gift giving the Bluetooth Headset, is that most toolbox jackasses already have these.
Ho, Ho, Ho Ballers! Keep Calm & Kickball On in 2015!